dark days

I’ve always done things the hard way.

Now, my life seems so overcomplicated… just a total mess.

And a lot of times, I find myself thinking that I should just put Rowan in school. Go to work full time.

It’s not really that I can’t afford to stay home (although I’m not sure I can). It’s that I am the only one every day and every night who deals with my kids. Sure, they are not with me on the weekends, but it’s all very overwhelming. Most of my friends have partners who give them the gift of solitude at the end of the day. Even if it’s just a few minutes. Even if it’s just, “Hey, let me keep the kids while you go to the store.” Their partners gladly help them when they can. Their relationships are far from perfect, but they’re lucky to have each other.

I have no one like this. It is not my fate.

I was an only child, and spent lots of time entertaining myself. But in the spaces I was very lonely. I was a lonely teenager. I was very much alone when I was in toxic relationships– with partners who might as well not even have been there.

Solitude is a beautiful thing. I experience it rarely. I’m lonely during the day in the company of my children. I’m very lonely in the company of my father. I’m lonely in crowds. And I’m moved to tears over everything– the way that verse was phrased, the way the birds fly, the cat stalking the grasshopper. Anything that touches me in that place where I need healing, these things that express life for me.

I don’t want to whine, I don’t. But I do feel this way and I am honest. I’ll come through the other side of this, I know. Yes, it could be worse. But these are dark days.

Escape

I keep feeling like I should post.  Why, I am not sure.  It’s not like my life is interesting these days.

I got a job a Kroger, and I’ve been putting in 12-18 hours a week… I expect it will get more hectic around the holidays. The job is okay, it’s nothing to complain about, really.

What else have I been up to? An inordinate amount of time spent pacing. Pacing-waiting-sitting-freaking out-feeling lost. I’ve been playing my guitar and especially my banjo a lot lately. I’ve been really self-centered, honestly. I don’t know, I just want to be left alone. And kids don’t do that. They need something every five seconds. I realized yesterday how big a deal I make over everything that they need from me. Incredibly not cool. I feel like I’ve taken 18 steps backward in parenting. And that I was only 10 steps back to begin with.

In my life I have so often chose escape over the present moment. Dreaming of some other time, when things won’t suck so much. I rarely look back anymore– it’s always to the future. Laying out my goals. Turning them around in my mind, polishing them, trying to figure out what obtaining them would feel like. I think about a time when I won’t feel like I’m a burden on someone. When I’ll be free to live the life I want to live. How the hell I’m going to get there. And then I panic, because I don’t fucking know.  I don’t know what I’m doing.  Someone fucking tell me what I’m doing!

Fuck it Fuck it Fuck it, I say. Thousands of times a day.

I think I’m going to focus on two things. Kids and music. They are the bread of life.

Now I just need to snap out of it. I’m overwhelmed.

373 days

373 days– that’s how long it’s been since Tommas died.

Tommas Koehler was a dear friend of mine and a very rare sort of person. We sang together, played music together, sat in a wealth of silence together.

He had a voice so low it would rattle the floorboards as well as my spirit. All of the songs that I have on my myspace page right now were written when he was in my life.

And 373 days later– I still cannot believe it. I still can’t imagine how he could be dead. I still can’t bear it. And I still sometimes have nights where I feel nothing but pain because of it.

I will never forget him and I will never get over this loss.

Fuck cancer.

Love and Anger

Rowan has been particularly challenging lately.  Mostly, it’s a good thing– I like being challenged.  Sometimes.  It builds character, and all that sort of thing, you know. She has become very intense. She feels everything so deeply, especially love and anger.

Here are a couple of scenarios that are good examples of how almost every morning goes (and please note that I am a work in progress, and have made SERIOUS progress here lately even if it doesn’t seem like it.):

Scenario One:
Ro: I want some cereal.
Me: Okay, I’ll make you some… Oh no! We’re out of milk!
Ro: (growl) You. Are. So. Mean!!! I never want to see you again!!! (followed by hysterical screaming and kicking/hitting me.)

So my first instinct during these times when I’m being attacked by a child is to give in to anger. Then it’s the urge to smack the hell out of her. Lately though, I’ve been trying to see that in the mornings she usually wakes up feeling very angry at everything for about two hours (while also trying not to EXPECT that to happen). This helps me stay in my calm place where I calmly stop her from hitting me but do not get mad enough to yell or hit back.

One thing we’ve been doing is to say a code word whenever we’re both angry at each other and need to just remember how we feel about each other. I let her pick the word, and she picked “Protect”, which I thought was quite appropriate. The point is to Protect our relationship. Very insightful. It’s been working well for the most part and occasionally she wants to have a drill so we can practice it. But then:

Scenario Two:
Ro: I want some oatmeal.
Me: Okay, I’ll make you some. (start making oatmeal)
Ro: I want oatmeal RIGHT NOW!
Me: Well, it has to cook.
Ro: I want it NOW! (crying hysterically) I CANNOT GO ANOTHER SECOND WITHOUT OATMEAL! I’M GOING TO DIE!
Me: It. Has. To. Cook. I cannot pull it out of the air. You need to just chill. Why do you have to act like this?? Wait a minute… Protect!
Ro: (punches me and kicks me and screams at me) Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t! I want my oatmeal RIGHT NOW! (goes into a hysterical screaming fit)

Well, obviously I was not able to immediately manifest the oatmeal that was cooked AND cooled off to place in front of her. I’m not that skilled in magic. And just that fact, I think, is just a daily “lesson”, if you will, of how sometimes you have to wait for things. At least it will be a lesson in how you have to wait for oatmeal to cook.

It’s absolutely HUGE that I didn’t give in to anger here. I was a little annoyed, sure, but I didn’t feel the vein in my neck throbbing. So I think I’m making progress. And maybe as I find better ways to deal with her, she’ll be able to choose love over anger.

Rant, Followed by Update

When I was a child, I believed in democracy.

Around election time, I’d sit with my parents and ask countless questions during the debates. I loved every second of it. I felt very much on the inside, listening to these politicians speak– like I was watching democracy in action.

It’s no wonder that at 15 minutes til 9 last night, I was saying, “Oh shit, the debate! I’ve got to go watch it!”

I still believe in democracy. But I no longer believe in the United States of America. So much corruption, and everything is so FUCKING staged. Big Brother is already certain of who will win. It’s our job to wait around and see which one of them has more blood ties to the fellas pulling the strings.

I thought I’d let go of crazy conspiracy theories. I thought that I’d also let go of interest in politics of any kind, and just fell into the Valley of No Worries. I’ve found, however, that I truly do care, and too much, which is what makes me repress every thought and feeling I have about the government.

Until a candidate steps up and tells me s/he’ll stay out of my life, NOT force me to purchase health insurance, NOT issue some sort of national standardized curriculum that my children have to follow, and NOT assume that this is a one-size-fits-all country, s/he’ll never get my vote.

SO SAYS I.

So ummm… how’re you guys doing? I’m here still, at my dad’s, but things aren’t so rosy now. Some of you know how hard it is to move back in with your parents as an adult. Even when you were previously really close to them… it’s just hard. We’re taking up too much of my dad’s space and air.

On the upside I’m in a crazy storm of creativity. I’ve started an altered book. I made some really cute overalls for Dairbhre, a really cute skirt for Rowan. And I’ve done a lot of hanging out and making art (ATC’s, altered tins filled with awesome beeswax lipbalm) with my AWESOME SPECIAL PALS who are vital to my existence. I don’t have my own camera right now, so no pictures.

My current knitting project is an American Girl sweater for Ruthie, currently being manifested. Rowan has spent hours, days, months, devouring the catalogs, and she has saved her money all year. She’s got $25 dollars so far, and I’ve decided to take this request seriously and help her out with the rest of the money. Even if it’s not a good time money-wise. I wanted Molly as a kid. BADLY. For years and years. And it was never taken seriously.  I don’t want to give it to her for the holidays because I a) I’m a Buddhist, b) we get too much stuff for the kids around Christmas anyway, c) I don’t think you should have to wait for some special occasion to give a gift, just because you feel obligated to, and d) because I’d rather celebrate the Solstice with a few well-crafted handmade things.

I think I have a part-time job at a grocery store. Nothing too grand, but I’m still going to take my first check and BLOW IT on fun stuff. And the subsequent checks will be saved until I can get an apartment in the part of Johnson City I’ve always wanted to live in.

Anyhow, thought I’d check in.  It’s been awhile, no?  I’d post a lot more if I had a damn camera.  If I had a camera, I’d be totally showing off the cool shit I’ve made lately, for sure.

Surprise party for Jess

I’m lifting my friends’ pictures here because I don’t own my own camera right now.

photo by Beth

This is the first crafty thing I’ve made pretty much all summer, I think. Above, the banner. It’s knitted. 32 triangles. Approximately 16 feet long. I made it for my friend Jess, she had a surprise birthday/camping party this week, which was much fun. Pattern here, except I did it all in garter stitch and sewed it together with bias tape. I thought it was a cool present because she can reuse it for festive occasions.

photo by Beth

Alas, I’m not able to tell of the awesomeness of the party in words. At the moment my brain is weary, my heart is heavy. Things are sour in my life, apart from this group of friends I have made. So, mostly pictures will have to do.

photo by Ren

I love these people. Dairbhre was very bored and wanted to play with the hammer, so Ren gave him some ice to crush. He was quite entertained.

photo by Ren

And I sang my songs around the campfire. (Notice the banner in the background!) My friends are so encouraging, they were singing along. I have awesome fan/friends.

Performing again

My friends are awesome.

I played Originals Night at the Acoustic Coffeehouse last night. I sent an email to my fabulous homeschool group about it, and I figured I’d have maybe a couple of people there. But 5 of my friends from the group showed, some with their husbands, some with their childrens. That averages out to a lot of people. I should have counted the heads. And my friends Daniel and Christina that I got to know during my college days were there as well.

I didn’t go on until about 3 hours after I got there. I played my five old songs and my new token angry breakup song. The enthusiasm! Ah! I felt so loved. I was so happy to see people actually singing along to my songs. That was wild. My friends thunder clapped for me and I thought the building would fall down. But also some people that I’d never even seen before were coming up to me and saying, “That was AWESOME!” with lots of emphasis.

It’s all been very inspiring to play again. That was the first time I’d performed in a public place in 3 years (besides at La’s house!). I was quite freaked as I had a pretty horrid cold. I resorted to the dreaded Dayquil which relieved my symptoms just in time. I remember now how much I love performing. I wasn’t nervous at all once I’d gotten up there (and after a beer or two, natch). It felt very natural. And talking into the microphone is no longer a crazy desperate fear of mine.

Of course, the lack of nervousness could have been due to my amazing group of friends. I love these people. I’ve never felt like I couldn’t be me around them. I’ve always felt so at ease, understood, and like I belonged. And it could have had something to do with the place, as I went to the Acoustic Coffeehouse every day when I was in college. We’ll see in upcoming gigs. And there will be more of them.

Rowan showed up with her grandma right before I went on. After every song she was coming up to me and giving me a hug and kiss and saying, “That’s my mommy!” I love that little tree :*)

Not ego! Truth.

You know that feeling you get when you first fall in love?

That’s how I’ve been feeling about Me.

For the very first time, I’m not hung up on anyone else. I’m loving my company. It’s amazing what I and me can do, it’s amazing how well I and me get along.

I don’t think it makes me an egomaniac to say it either. I love me now, before I lose a few pounds. Before I change anything else, I accept me. In the mirror I see someone who is always there for me.

I am always there for me.

Very recently, after I split up with my ex, I started chain smoking. In the last month or so it had really become a habit, a way to deal with a future that I couldn’t bear to look into.

But now I have a new interest: I am going to be a runner. And to be a runner, I can’t be a smoker. This is my third smoke-free day. The very hardest day, usually. And I’ve made it.

I’ve been walking in the mornings with my awesome Siberian husky friends, King Buster and Princess. We’re training. My mom has inspired me to run. She’s been doing it for a while now, and I can see this huge difference in her self-image and spirit. She gave me a 4 week schedule– at the end of the four weeks is a 30 minute run. I’ve led a pretty sedentary life for a long time, but I really have the drive now.  I start the running schedule next week.

It’s really fun to walk with Buster and Princess– with them on the leash in front of me, I feel like I’m on a sled running the Iditarod.  They make really swell companions, and they make me smile.

If I can quit smoking, I can run.  If I can run, I can do anything.

I love Laura, yes it’s true

I love Laura, yes I do!

And her family too. They invited me over last night for some good food and jamming. I totally thought there would be a lot of people there playing music, but it was mostly just me and her husband Scotty. She sat beside me and insisted that I keep playing, even when I was afraid that I was showing off. It ruled. I totally need that.

Her boys both told me how much they liked my playing and my songs. Man, what an awesome family. Radically unschooled, always. I’ve hung out with Laura, due to some awesome alignment of the stars, like twice a week here lately. We didn’t even plan it a couple of times! Like when she pounced on me at the Down Home.

Laura is an awesome leddy awesome leddy awesome leddy

I’m totally going to write her a whole album’s worth of songs. Cause that’s how much she rocks.

I do need to get back to writing. I have two songs in the works that need to be finished. Freeform prose helps get the brain juices flowing– I have stuff to say, stuff that the rest of humanity needs to hear.

Thanks for being awesome, La! And raising awesome chilluns who are so sweet to me!

myspace

So I’ve signed up for myspace twice and deleted my account within ten minutes. It sort of creeps me out for some reason.

But I thought I’d let you guys know, I’ve finally started a myspace music page with some of my original songs. They are downloadable. It’s from a demo I recorded back in ‘05– my voice has changed slightly in the fact that it sounds stronger and more certain. Argh, to be able to do some better recording! This was recorded with the microphone that came with my dad’s computer– but the quality is surprisingly good, though a bit quiet.